I Need Some Meaning I Can Memorise
by Perfect by Nature
Summary: Dean visits Sam at Stanford.Written for a request on Request: Dean coming to visit Sam at Stanford, and it being awkward and painful.


Title: I need some meaning I can memorise

Author: PerfectByNature

Pairing: Dean/Sam. Very mild.

Rating: M

WARNINGS: Wincest (Incest), slash, language.

Word count: 2199

Spoilers: None, preseries.

Notes: Written for flawedamythyst/Amy on for the Massive Flist Fic Exchange of Doom started by akindara ZOMG, babe, I totally forgot who requested this! I hope you enjoy it!

Beta'd by tillyrosestar Thanks so much, babe!

_**Request**: Dean coming to visit Sam at Stanford, and it being awkward and painful._

Sam picked up the phone and had it flipped open and pressed to his ear before he was even fully awake.

There was only one person who could possibly be calling him at this time of night and he sighed.

"Yeah?" his voice was sleep roughened and had a hint of impatience.

"I would have thought you'd be up studying all night like the geek you are." Dean's tone was a carefully controlled mix of carelessness and sarcasm.

"Dean, what do you want?" Sam rubbed his forehead and suppressed a sigh.

There was a long pause. Sam closed his eyes and lay for a moment waiting, the silence one that had been such a reoccurring part of his childhood. He was about to break it, say something, anything when Dean spoke, voice soft and hesitant. It was so different from his usual tone that Sam hardly heard what he said at first.

"I'm outside."

For a moment Sam's brain couldn't quite work out what he'd said. "What? You're what?" he frowned, fist unconsciously clenching around his bed sheet. He sat up and walked over to the window that looked over the nearby street and peered out. He could see the shape of the Impala in the streetlights and took an involuntary step backwards. What was going on? "Dean, are you serious? What are you doing here?" This was too much for Sam to take, he felt his throat close up and tears prick his eyes.

"Sam-" Dean began, his voice quiet and pained and Sam felt his chest constrict at the memories of the past.

Sam waited, wanting to hear whatever it was his brother was going to say but Dean didn't continue and Sam could feel a groan building up and clenched his jaw. Waiting.

* * *

"You… you don't have to go." Dean's voice was quiet and pained. 

Sam took a deep breath, the pain of his words twisting the knife in his chest and he turned back to face his brother.

"I do…" he whispered, unable to speak louder. "I can't do this... I can't stand it anymore. Dad…" he clenched his eyes shut wishing he could say everything he was thinking but his brain wouldn't work and his throat felt so tight and full.

Dean just stood there watching him, not speaking and Sam felt his hands clench.

"Dean, this is it, this is why; all of this silence, all of this… look, I'm sorry, but this isn't enough, you know what I want. I want a proper life, I want to study, have friends, live in one place for more than a couple of months." Sam struggled to articulate his thoughts. Dean scrunched his mouth and shook his head slightly. "But we're your family, man."

"I know." Sam said simply, hoping Dean would understand, would read the rest in his eyes; that he wanted to stay with Dean but he couldn't sacrifice himself, his dreams for it.

Dean turned and walked away, back towards the motel room they were currently staying in, leaving Sam to deal with the pain of leaving his brother, rejecting his life. The life that he so passionately despises, making him choose between his burning love for Dean and his need for normality. The fact that normality won over his own flesh and blood weighed down heavily on his shoulders, but he knew he couldn't continue to live the way they had for so long.

* * *

"Fine, I'm coming down." Sam sighed heavily into the phone, hoping he would get more out of Dean if they were face to face. Knowing that Dean wouldn't say anything more and clicked his cell shut, grabbing a shirt and pulling it on before leaving the room. 

He approached the Impala the night air pleasantly cool on his skin. A slight breeze ruffled through his hair, lifting and resettling it like invisible fingers. He tried not to think, just wanting to wait to see his brother, make sure he was really there before anything else.

The driver's door of the car squeaked open and banged shut, the familiar sound like a knife to his chest.

Dean stepped close to him and Sam wanted to reach out and touch him, half to make sure he was real -really there- and half to reconnect, to feel his brother close to him.

Dean seemed just as indecisive but suddenly closed the gap between them and pulled Sam into a tight hug, his jaw fitting over Sam's shoulder, one arm around his waist.

Sam gasped silently, blinking back tears as the smell of his brother reached his nose, bringing back all those painful, bittersweet memories.

Too soon Dean was pulling away, stepping back and Sam had to let him go; after all, he was the one who'd left.

"What are you doing here?" As usual, Sam was the one to break the silence. He closed his eyes, hardly able to deal with his own bitterness, but he couldn't take the silence anymore, it pressed down on him, suffocating him, all those years of silence and he had to break free.

"I… I'm not really sure." Dean said finally.

A blinding hot rage filled Sam suddenly and he grabbed Dean by the jacket and shoved him against his car.

"You aren't sure? You just drive all the way here and you aren't sure?" his words were quiet but fierce, escaping like a hiss through clenched teeth. His breath came in short gasps, nostrils flaring with emotion.

"Sam-" Dean began.

"No, Dean, this is why I left. All of this crap about not saying anything, keeping everything inside until I want to scream and punch something."

There was a heavy pause, then-

"Sammy, I'm sorry." Dean's whisper was small and broken, childlike in a way that tore straight through him. "I only ever wanted you to be happy, safe. I thought that if I could be there for you it would be enough, because that's what family is, does. I just thought that it would make everything alright."

Sam winced and closed his eyes. Dean had always been the strong one, and he'd always looked out for Sam, kept him safe, did everything he could. And Sam, in his selfish way had ripped that away from his brother, not even realising what he was doing and how it would affect him.

He'd been so stupid that Deans act had even worked on him. That he had let himself believe that Dean didn't really care, that Dean only protected him out of duty.

He realised he was still pressing Dean against the car, gripping his jacket. He let go, smoothing the soft leather down and stepped back with a deep breath.

"Dean I-" he stopped. "I'm sorry." He squeezed his eyes shut. How could he explain that he'd never thought of it like that, without making it worse? How could he explain that he'd taken his brother for granted? Had always, with barely a moment's thought, expected him to be there, while Sam could leave at anytime - could do whatever he wanted?

Dean stepped forward and let a hand rest on Sam's shoulder. "I understand, Sammy, I do."

Sam leant into the touch; to him it signified everything that was between them, with all the silence and the heartache and the words, spoken and unspoken, in their relationship.

He wished he could have been there for his brother, been a better brother to him.

"All I wanted was for you to talk to me tell me what was going on. I know that you wanted to look after me, but most of the time it just felt like you wanted me to just sit down and shut up. I just… I never understood why you wouldn't just talk to me." Sam forced the words out, even though his throat kept trying to close up completely, keep the words inside. He hoped that Dean would understand what he meant, even though it sounded garbled to him.

Dean stood there for a moment; hand still on Sam's shoulder, just close enough for Sam to smell him and his thumb moved slightly, stroking his collarbone. Sam tried not to shiver at the feeling, and suddenly something in him snapped. He grabbed Dean's jacket again and pushed him hard against the car, following closely until his whole body was flush against Dean's and then he leant down and pressed his mouth against Deans.

The kiss was hot and wet and open mouthed, Sam's hands gripped Dean's waist, half holding him to the car, half holding them together. Dean's hands rose up to fist in his hair and he was kissing back just as hard, and it seemed to Sam that he was pouring everything into the kiss, and he couldn't hold back, he pulled back slightly and started kissing down Dean's neck, sucking hard on the soft flesh and drawing a ragged moan from Dean that vibrated right through his body.

He kissed back up and attacked Dean's mouth again, their teeth clashed but Sam didn't mind, this was everything he remembered, everything he'd been missing so badly since he'd left.

Dean arched up against him, rubbing their bodies together, almost desperately kissing him.

But then, suddenly, heartbreakingly, Dean's hand gripped his hair harder and pulled his head back and pressed a hand to his chest, pushing him backwards.

Sam clung to him. "Dean… " He whimpered.

"No, Sam. "Dean's voice broke. "I can't do this again. You… you left me. You left me all alone with dad and… I just can't do this again." His words were jumbled and his voice thick with emotion.

"But Dean… I'm sorry, I didn't really want to leave, I just wanted something more, and I always wished you would understand, I tried to explain it to you so many times. Couldn't you stay with me? We could live together, we could have a normal life." Sam was pleading now, begging, still clinging to him.

Dean's face scrunched up, his eyes closed and teeth clenched. "Sam… You know I can't do that. I have to stay with Dad; I have to help him find the son of a bitch that killed mom.. I know that you don't understand, you were too young when she was alive but I have to help him find it, we have to destroy it."

"But… it's taken over your life. What about school, friends, normality? What about going out and having fun, or just hanging out together? It's been years, _years_ and what do we have to show for it? Rooms full of paper, maps and symbols, sleazy hotel rooms and miles on the speedometer. I want more. I want you and me together with a proper life. Please."

"Sam…" Sam wished Dean would stop saying his name like that. "I wish it were that simple, I wish that it wasn't so important, but that bastard killed our mother, right in front of us and then burned her body. And dad has never been the same since and I just want… I just want it to all go back to the way it was, even though I know it can't, I want her back." Dean was crying now, silent tears streaming down his face. "That's why I always tried to look after you, to keep you safe. But I have to help him, I have to stay with him, no matter how much I miss you."

Sam shook his head but he didn't know what to say to change his brother's mind.

"Please, Dean, you know I'm right. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life chasing this thing?"

"Of course not, I wanna kill that... thing as soon as possible. I'm sure we're getting close, but it's not just about that, Sam. There is so much evil out there, killing innocent people and ruining lives. Can't you see how important what we do is?"

"But ruining your own life for it is fine? I know it's important but not when you're sacrificing your own happiness and dreams for it." Sam couldn't let it go, he had to try everything he could think of.

"But I'm not. Yes, there are some bad points about this-"

"Bad points?" Sam interrupted. "Almost dying is a _bad point_? Dean – God!" Sam stopped again and clenched his fists. "I want to change your mind. I want you to see that you're wasting your life."

"But I'm not." Dean's smile was small and sad.

Sam's eyes closed again and he suppressed the tears. "Ok, then." He stepped forward and pulled his brother into a long tight hug, tears escaping and trickling down his face to soak into his brother's fuzzy hair. Sniffling, he tightened his grip for a moment then letting go and turning away. Sam walked slowly up to his dorm room and didn't look back.

He didn't hear Dean move and when he got back up to his room he could still see him leaning against his car where he'd left him. He watched him for several minutes until finally Dean pushed off his car and walked around it, got in and drove away.


End file.
